There comes a time in our lives when we feel like we’re completely lost – just wanting to disappear, vanish into the abyss, or just die wholly. As desperate as it sounds, majority of us have encountered this phase, may it be an outcome of a completely devastating heartbreak, some type of crisis running inside our heads, maybe financial inadequacy, being bullied or cyberbullied – with all the online trolls sabotaging our lives behind their masks, whatever burden it is we are carrying, there’s no easy way out. It is a chaotic process that is why people wish to escape it, yet little do we know, all we ever wanted was to be found and saved from all the darkness of this world.
For 5 months my blog was literally idle and to answer the question everyone keeps asking me, “What happened?” here’s a summary of the past few months I’ve been gone:
After the twitter issue last January 2, 2017, my blog just kept crashing, maybe because of the number of viewers I’ve had when the topic was still fresh. I also broke my laptop, the reason why I cannot produce as much content as I did before. I was also brought to the hospital several times due to different illnesses. Alongside those mishaps, there came serendipity. Although my luck in love came, deep in my heart I knew that there were a lot of changes made ever since I’ve entered the dating stage, but one thing remained and that is my desire for adventure. I still had the urge to just travel and find my old self in the places I love, particularly Boracay and La Union, which I both consider as my safe havens. Along those 4 months of exploring new things and opening my heart to new people, taking big risks, getting to know different cultures, places, I still wasn’t sure about the things I’ve been doing. I don’t know what my goal was, or even what I wanted to achieve. Typical Cha would have so many plans in mind, always brainstorming about new ideas, keeping herself busy with numerous events, as well as balancing her time with both her family and friends, but I was so comfortable with my life that time, I decided to just settle in love, and just felt like taking a long break from everything. While I’m at it I did not notice how my career was slowly fading, I felt incomplete knowing that I am not the productive self I used to be, who always had fresh content on Social Media, who always had the courage to speak freely, who learns to love everyone and anyone she meets despite the flaws they have as human beings, I felt like I’ve changed somehow, and there’s no one to be blamed but myself for I am in control of my decisions, and unfortunately I’ve been making the wrong ones. These specific decisions or choices I make maybe influenced by society, situations, peer pressure, or just mere emotions. I felt like my choices did not lead me to where I am supposed to be. Yes, I was extremely happy and contented but in my subconscious mind I knew there was something missing, there was something wrong, and I knew that I was lost. I knew that I was entering a path not meant for me, and I was in denial, I wanted to believe that where I am that moment is where I was supposed to be. At first I neglected the thought of being lost, and tolerated the idea of “being where I was meant to be”, I always thought that it’s just in my head, overthinking everything, I did everything to push through with the trail that I thought was right for me, it only got worse, I wasted my time trying to repair everything immediately, I did things my way, and forced myself to fix lives even with a wrecked spirit, I tried to become a savior I thought if I couldn’t save myself, at least save someone I really care about, until the idea slowly corrupted my mind and lead me into my own destruction.
In the end, after letting my desires take over my life and letting it blind me from the truth, I was left with a broken soul, I thought I could never fix. I felt like dying, and I am not exaggerating, my mom and dad witnessed how tears overflow in my eyes every day, how I palpitate in the morning, how my hands feel ice cold before my blackouts. I never thought it would hurt so much, because I’ve never been broken ever since but it is true what other people say, “It’s the most painful thing“. And sometimes when you’ve reached the highest level of heartaches, you become depressed, which results to irrational actions. That’s where you create more wrong decisions and value the motto: YOLO (You Only Live Once) more than anything else, but we all know that it’s a temporary phase. Some of us might be trapped or may have moved forward from that stage. I did enjoy the time I had during the past few months, I’ve had a lot of spontaneous getaways, I was able to distinguish who my real friends are, and I learned to love without boundaries and limits, yet despite that love I also encountered extreme pain — I thought love would let me find my way back into life, but it was love who destroyed me and lead me into a never ending maze, but in the end it is also love that restored me and brought me back to life. Nothing works more than true love from my family, a few true friends, and God whom I’ve had all this time.
Now, I always take note that there are landmines everywhere; it could be buried inside our homes, in places we think are safe, and even in people we love – So what more in people who we’ve just acquainted with? Be careful, it may hurt but don’t let it completely destroy you.
From January to May 2017, most parts of it I’ve dealt with stress, different illnesses, and traitors. By June, my eyes were opened and I was able to see things much more clearly. My life had a sudden change of perspective, until I quickly recovered. July & August came so swift, but despite of how quickly the days passed by I have to say July has been my favorite month this year. It makes me think, almost half of the year and I’ve been through so much already, and I’m still alive, surviving life’s cruelness, and still smiling regardless of it all. I know I’ve had what I needed all this time — myself, my family, friends and God.
With over 7 billion estimated people in this planet, not everyone knows everything about just anyone. We individuals have different stories and mysteries, we all have our own sides to our own stories. Although I have to publicize some parts of my life, there’s always a part of me hidden from everyone else, in which God knows. We can’t please everyone, but we can learn to please ourselves and God.
To end this post, let’s sum it all up with the 10 things I’ve learned in my life in a span of 4 months
1. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reaction. An advice by Tracy Ayson, who helped opened my eyes to see the truth.
2. Trust your guts. If you feel like there’s something wrong, most of the time there is. Or better, Trust your parent’s instincts. They know.
3. No shortcuts. You think alcohol and drugs can solve it? Don’t depend on things that are temporary. There’s no other way to get over the pain. Feel it, give it time, and eventually you’ll heal by yourself.
*I am not saying that you shouldn’t party and get drunk, it’s fun once in a while. Just don’t make it a habit of depending your happiness on something that might be destructive for you.
4. It’s okay to ask for help, just don’t be too dependent. There will come a time you’ll have to face problems alone, be ready. Don’t be a baby.
5. What’s meant to be will always find its way back, what’s not meant to be will never find its way back. The quote Ave and I agreed on, which was phrased by Richard Juan for both of our IG captions (lol)
6. Do not blame other people, focus on your own mistakes and learn from it. Those “other people” won’t even matter in the future.
7. Never give your full trust to anyone. Look at me, I am fooled despite my sincerity, and all the secrets I’ve told have been taken against me. Never let anyone take advantage of you, prevent it by choosing who to trust.
8. Focus on yourself, do what you love, set your goals, don’t mind and compete with the others. Do you, be you.
9. Don’t be too hard on yourself, we all make mistakes. Don’t always try to fix or do things your way, just relax. Let go, and let God.
10. Stop hating. Start appreciating and a better life will follow.
I realized that people can sometimes be lost in love, in depression, in loneliness, but I am found by God’s grace and now completely restored.
Photos taken by my Fujifilm XA3 with 35mm F2.0 prime lens. Photos are edited to look like actual films.
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Get rid of all the bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tender-hearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you. Ephesians 4:31-32